I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
we’re gonna need another temp
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.