I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Mmmm canned fish.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already