i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
PLOT TWIST:
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.