I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
He said it鈥檚 canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let鈥檚 go let鈥檚 go let鈥檚 gooooo.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
AM I BEING GASLIT????
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
oh you鈥檙e an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…