I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today