I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no