I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]