I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?