If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.