I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My work here is don’t.
Cndnsd Mlk
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.