I’m choking laughing omfg ππππππππππ
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Guy about to write β12 days of christmas:β help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I love it all
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Every Monday I say to myself, βJim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.β Luckily, I am not Jim.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendyβs manager: you are very fired
My daughter keeps exclaiming, βWhat in tarnation?β when something surprises her. Itβs cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Iβm on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying βmeat inβ instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.