Living the best life.. 😊
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Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The glory of fall.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus