Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
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And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.