Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.