Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.