me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.