My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
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[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.