My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
congratulations to them
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes