Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets