“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol