Not my job 😂
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I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.