Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Nice try Hitler
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.