Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
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When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka