one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
You Might Also Like
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Good dog. ❤️
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.