[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
beware of dog
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim