Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 馃敟
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Ooops wrong house馃槀馃槣
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I鈥檓 sorry.
Simply Red鈥檚 piano player just couldn鈥檛 be arsed
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they鈥檒l tell you their whole life story.
Me: *doesn鈥檛 laugh at friend鈥檚 story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.