replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that