Sign of the times. đ
#Hoarders #COVIDăź19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I’d … I’d rather not.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-canât )
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
Thatâs just how Julius Caesar.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
âBe sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washerâ
-my wife
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? Thatâs cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears âDrive Like Your Kids Live Hereâ has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesnât
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Boomers: we donât share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[on a speed date]
(okay donât let her know youâre a zombie)
âso, what do you like best in a woman?â
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”