“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂