therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I hate when people ask me βhow do you feel your presentation went?β
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song Iβm showing your insurance company bc honestly Iβm tired of it
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: Iβd like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it wonβt be easy.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Mountain Goat : )
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Please donβt tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driverβs mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.