This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
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Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help