Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.