[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
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I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.