I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Um … Hot Wings please
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
He’s cranky this morning
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
i prefer mine room temperature.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what