if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders