Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.