please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
girls literally only want one thing..
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
i now pronounce you bounced.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat