Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
This Halloween I鈥檓 going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn鈥檛 even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
In Mexico, it鈥檚 considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i鈥檓 trying real hard not to laugh
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I鈥檓 just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.