We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Tell the colonel to bring it
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?