What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My dad is at it again
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious