Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
You Might Also Like
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.