Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.