You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”