♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”