♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
titanic
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums