🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
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My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.