🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You Might Also Like
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Hey I worked for it too!
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
đźŹ
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I’ve had worse