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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all Iโm saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
โGo Paperless!โ they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
iโm cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week theyโre banging horses
Jokes on you, inflation, Iโll never stop buying peanut butter.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
HERE’S MARKY
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ainโt crazy for two months.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didnโt get a job because he couldnโt tie a tie.
She meant goals
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, donโt put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying โhave you seen this tik tokโ every 20 minutes until you die
Who wants to hear about my fatherโs colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: โTime to go to sleep.โ
My Brain: โI see youโre trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?โ
There goes my Valentineโs Day plans..
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
This made me smile…
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I got bills
Theyโre multiplying
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I canโt stop asking โwhyโ every time my wife speaks to me
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and YโALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.