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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Greyβs Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I have gray hair where I didnβt even know I had hair
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
βYou just failed a math test. Iβm pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.β
The smoothest fall of all time
911: whats the emergency?
β: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If you arenβt happy single, you wonβt be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Grandmas be like, βMy grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.β
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chiliβs
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above