😆this is so true
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”